Rules of 24

Since Sam and I are bachelors while Rebecca and Lanee are in Guatemala, we've been doing manly things, like playing baseball, eating ice cream and watching three episodes of 24 Season Three every night. Now I've seen (and previously written about) the other two seasons of 24, but this time through it's becoming clear to me that the world of CTU is governed by certain immutable laws:

1. Jack Bauer is always in control. Even when he's hurt, it doesn't get in the way of him doing his job. Saving the world is always his first priority.

2. Jack tries to give up his life to save the world at least once every day, but Jack Bauer cannot be killed.

3. The 24-hour day cannot end unless Jack Bauer personally kills at least 10 bad guys. There is no maximum limit to how many bad guys Jack Bauer can kill in one day.

4. Everyone in the series gets their own look, which they developed after watching Zoolander. Jack's is straight-on and blank, revealing nothing. David Palmer's will burn a hole through you. Michelle always looks up, like she's afraid to be caught. Tony Almeda looks down and sideways, sort of irritated. Kim darts inquisitively. Shari Palmer is wide-eyed and can't be trusted. Every main character gets to give their look with an extreme close-up at least five times per episode.

5. Everyone talks by cell phone, which is the preferred means of communication for CTU personnel. No one is allowed to text message, play solitaire or download funky ring tones.

6. To end a cell conversation, you cannot say "good-bye," "so long," "see you later" or any other traditional form of closure. Usually, the conversation ends abruptly when one party snaps their phone shut. Even if you are talking to your mother, you can just quit talking at any time and turn off your phone.

7. The laws of physics in LA traffic are temporarily suspended whenever someone from CTU must drive somewhere. This is necessary because it is the only way Jack Bauer can go anywhere in LA and still have time to save the world in one day. Same with air travel. A flight from Mexico to LA on a military transport plane takes only five minutes, which is not even enough time for a decent beverage service.

8. Jack Bauer can fire any weapon without studying it. He just picks it up, aims and shoots, and never misses. He could kill you with a boomerang without even practicing.

9. Jack Bauer can also fly any aircraft without even checking the glovebox for the instruction manual.

10. Chloe is the best techie in the world. She is faster than all the engineers I have ever worked with combined. If she was working on my company's website, she could install a new database system during the commercials.

11. Jack Bauer always gets to make the plan, which works great until someone else screws it up, so he has to make a new plan every hour. Jack Bauer can think of a really good plan in about seven seconds.

12. CTU is always dimly lit. It's modeled after the batcave. Alfred may appear in a later episode.

13. Every season represents one of the worst possible days imaginable for everyone in the show. So far, the day is not even over and (spoiler coming) Michelle's husband is shot, she has an argument with him, she gets chewed out at work, she kills an unarmed civilian, she is exposed to a deadly virus and she is caught by the bad guy's henchman, who almost pokes her eye out. But she's still having a better day than the president.

14. The main bad guy is always really, really smart. It always takes Jack Bauer almost 24 hours to catch him.

15. No one ever sleeps. You can call anyone at 3 a.m. and they will be up, and not at all surprised that you called.

16. CTU agents never eat. They are not allowed to bring in pizza or Chinese food, even when pulling an all-nighter. Jack Bauer is way too tough to eat.

17. Everything always happens either just in time or one minute too late. Eventually, the world is always saved just in time.

18. There must be at least one big surprise during the 24-hour period. Either someone you thought was good turns out to be bad, or vice versa. And you can never tell by their looks, even with five or more extreme close-ups.

19. CTU agents are so tough, they can even keep doing their jobs after they have been shot, tortured, on heroin withdrawals or exposed to deadly viruses. They do not even get time off if they are planning to die later in the show.

20. At 10 seconds before every hour things look so bleak that you must be ready to abandon all hope. If you can hold on until the next episode, Jack Bauer will come up with a new plan and you can breathe more easily for 59 minutes.

21. Employees experiencing violent deaths at the CTU headquarters does not appear to affect productivity. It seems likely that these employees were not really necessary in the first place, another example of wasteful government spending. Further, no one seems to know the people who get killed. It's possible they were never really CTU employees at all. Maybe they were temps from Kelly Services. (If you ever get a call for a temporary job at CTU, DO NOT TAKE IT! You will almost certainly get killed. Only take a job as a main character, and even that is no picnic.)

22. It always sucks to be Jack Bauer's boss. He's hard to manage. And plus, you're probably going to die.

23. It sucks worse to be the president. He never has any fun and he has bad luck with women.

24. But it sucks the most to be the main bad guy and know that once the season starts, in 24 hours Jack Bauer will get you and you will be toast.